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| Participants Speak The Forgiving Road To me, the essence of Feeding Ourselves is the unfolding of the gentle art of honoring, celebrating and respecting our differences and our similarities. As we've learned at Feeding Ourselves to nurture ourselves through conscious eating and living we've gained the strength and compassion that is needed to continue the work of healing and mending and becoming whole. And sometimes when this work becomes tedious and difficult I think about an analogy that Emily has taught us--that of the road. I used to think that when things got tough I'd fallen off the road and then I'd panic and frantically scramble to climb on again, as if I had been on some kind of tightrope. But I've learned, as we all have, that the road is a process and a most forgiving one, allowing us our dark wanderings and careless in-attentiveness, but at the same time reminding us that once we've started on the road we can't ever really return to old byways without the prickling realization that any other path is just a dead end. And so, I would like to thank Emily and the staff of Feeding Ourselves for sharing the road and teaching us to learn to walk with dignity. [Back to top]Women Feeding Ourselves A day without obsessing about our bodies? About our fears? About food? A day without thinking about what we've done wrong, done late, or not done at all? How could we possibly know what that's like? What we know is how to conceal our struggles until we're alone. Then we're consumed by them. We get nervous, then anxious, then terrified. We succumb to our triggers, let the battle rage on, unfettered, out of control. Depression sets in, and the bargaining begins. We resign ourselves to this cycle. We let it take more and more away from us. Feeling replenished is foreign; feeling at peace even more so. We're masters at what we do and we know nothing will change. Why did we even bother with you? Then slowly, hesitantly, something other than our fears begin to call out to us. This hint, this glimmer of hope, this insistent whisper, gets louder. It drowns out our fears. overtakes our obsessions. We wake up one morning feeling angry, but this is a new kind of anger. We don't recognize it at first, but we feel its power. Something has changed. As we look out the window we realize that we will never be the same again. It is then that we each say "I'm taking back my life." We struggle with this revelation, but our struggle is one of growth. We become patient, conscious, aware of who we are, what we need. We learn how to forgive ourselves, how to care for ourselves. Slowly ever so slowly, we learn what it means to feed ourselves. [Back to top]A story of recovery Bulimia and I have known each other for 33 years. Our relationship began after I had read an article in "Life" or "Look" about a jockey who was seeing her (Bulimia) because she kept his weight in control. At the time, I was desperately trying to lose thirty pounds that I had regained after a crash diet, and I was very interested in his recount of her effectiveness. A few days later, as I was furtively eating a piece of chocolate cake, Guilt, a dear friend in common introduced us. After our initial encounter I felt overwhelming awe. Magically, there were no forbidden or dangerous foods. I planned binges of ice cream, cookies, cake and candy; together we shared the excitement, the pleasure and the secret. My emotional high was intoxicating, and I was certain I had found my soul mate. For several years I remained infatuated, preferring her company to that of anyone. She offered comfort, refuge, diversion and the body that my mother and her family would accept. Interestingly, as deeply involved as I was with Bulimia, no one else knew she existed in my life. Gradually, my interaction with other people and in other activities lessened. I could feel my energy being pulled to her as if by some magnetic field, and within this place I lost control. Bulimia now perched herself in every comer of my life and I could no longer tell where I stopped and she began. I was emotionally drained and often physically exhausted. I felt totally hopeless and helpless. I suppose some might say that what followed was a stroke of luck, but I prefer to think of it as a stroke of love. Some thread, some delicate but eternal link to our shared wisdom has led me to reclaim my identity. The search has been hard and sometimes frightening, but, with Emily's guidance and wisdom, I've learned that the journey begins with the simple act of feed myself consciously and lovingly, for what other voluntary act so crucially sustains my life? Bulimia and I haven't seen each other for several months now, and in her absence I have found a profound sense of peace. I have begun to see and feel and hear the world as it is and to trust that it won't consume me. I listen to myself more and believe what I hear. At mid life I feel as if my life is just beginning and what joy there is in beginnings! [Back to top]Deep Within A rainy day too soon, a baby was born. A soul yet ready, but unaware and dependent. Helplessly awaiting her purpose in life. So in tune with feelings, emotional and physical. Yet not aware of feelings. A body's natural instincts. Her control is in her parents' hands. Getting older, more independently aware. Still awaiting her purpose. Aware of feelings, emotional and physical. Yet, not in tune. She's in control now, yet not. A family torn apart. Emotions scattered. A best friend taken away is a heart broken. Sadness is everywhere. A whole is formed, a void felt to never be filled again. Confusion and despair, a feeling of anger. Such pain, yet unknown and numb. The beginning was an end. Peanut butter, alarm clocks, darkness, scales, hiding, sneaking, lies, pain, they are all part of the game. Only honesty will set her free, as time will tell. To all of you trying to find your way, I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone. Get in touch with your mental and physical self. Don't be afraid. We are all there with you, you are not alone. Please join me in this gloriously freeing experience. Learn to love yourself, for life is grand. Problems dealt with will free your soul. For you will awake on your own new day, so in tune with your emotions and physical being. For feeding ourselves is our bodies' natural instinct. One unexpected, glorious moment I found my first rainy day again, and you will too. All of my thanks and gratitude to everyone in the Feeding Ourselves organization. You have all helped me so much, and will always be a huge part of my life. There could never be enough gratefulness in my heart for all you have done. You all mean so much. I will be forever thankful. [Back to top]ONE THAT IS YOU The number of calories, The number of those numbers,
Autobiography of a Yo-Yo Dieter Age 12 - Dr. Abelman says I weigh 99, but his chart says I should weigh 89. 1 go to Weight Watchers and bring gray skim milk in my thermos, veggie sticks in my lunch everyone else has Fritos, chocolate milk. I feel different and sometimes throw my lunch out and buy school lunch and ice cream. I don't remember how my weight fluctuated but I was always afraid to get weighed at the doctors. Age 14 or 15 - My mom takes me to a diet doctor. I am close to my full height (maybe about 5'3");1 weigh 137 lbs. Now I would kill to weigh that. He gives me a standard diet sheet. I start sneak eating and bingeing at my friend's house-- eventually I quit. Age 16 - I weigh about 165 ... I join Weight Loss Clinic and get weighed every day. It costs about $700 to lose 30 lbs. I am afraid every day of gaining weight. After I stop going, I gain it all back, plus more. Age 17 - I weigh 170. 1 join Richard Simmons and start taking Correctol laxatives to keep my weight down. One day I almost faint because I'm dizzy from the exercise and laxatives. In college I try Jenny Craig. I weigh 195. 1 spend $70/week to get back down to 165. The minute I eat some food not on the program , I binge. I eventually quit and my eating gets really out of control. I'm stressed with school. Age 23 - I join Optifast (400 cals/day) with a friend. I weigh 240. 1 get down to 195 in 12 weeks. I drink protein shakes during this time. The minute we start "refeeding" I start bingeing and can't stop. I quit the program and start eating again. After Optifast I gain on 1,000 cals/day. This is when I noticed my weight really shot up. Age 24 - I graduate college, my fiance calls off the wedding, three of my grandparents die in three weeks. I weigh 250. 1 go to Florida to Janet Greeson's "A Place for Us." They make me go to OA, AA, NA, SLAA. I think I'm an addict and get into the disease thinking. I lose about 25 lbs. but the minute I'm not "abstinent" I start to binge. I can't deal with the OA food plan and making phone calls. I start to get angry with everyone telling me I'm sick and that this is a powerful disease I can never get over. I don't believe it. As a backlash from OA, I start reading Geneen Roth books. I feel like I could have written them. I attend a workshop and start following her guidelines. I finally start to feel normal about eating. I stop bingeing. In the summer I attend a Feeding Ourselves weekend workshop. It feels like coming home. When the women tell their stories they sound just like mine. This is the first time I feel sane around food since I was 12. But I find it's hard to deal with my size (I still weigh about 240). Everyone tells me I am so beautiful and that I should really lose weight. Even though I feel a real relief from bingeing, when I weigh myself I get very anxious and decide I really need to go on another diet. I join Nutra System and go from 240 to 195. 1 feel good and start working out at the Y. I'm afraid of "real food" and think there is something magical about Nutra System food. I get sick of eating freeze dried food and start eating real food. Eventually I start eating out of control and bingeing again. I am frustrated and depressed about my inability to keep this weight off. My weight keeps going up and up. I join Weight Watchers but can't stand weighing and measuring and tracking every bite I put in my mouth (even sugarless gum). I can't believe how heavy I am. I am totally out of control and depressed. I join the Y to start exercising and get a trainer. I feel pretty good but my back hurts and my knees ache during step class. The instructor is a little too driven for me. I think I need a more gentle approach. I'm constantly searching for "the" answer, the perfect diet. Until then I binge. Lately I start everyday trying to be "good" but end up stuffing myself every night until I'm in pain but I can't stop. [Back to top]WHAT IS BULIMIA? What to Eat My Life With Feeding Ourselves 1978 - 1995:
From Personal to Political In the fall of 1978, while attempting to complete a master's thesis, I arrived at Feeding Ourselves. In addition to scholarly insight, I was also gaining pounds. For someone who had yo yo dieted through adolescence and her early 20's, the Feeding Ourselves philosophy that diets don't work and willpower has little to do with weight loss was extraordinarily appealing. I came to Feeding Ourselves for intensely personal reasons. I remain at Feeding Ourselves, almost 17 years later, for political ones as well. I continue this work because I care deeply and passionately that women learn to define themselves by a whole self, characterized by more than the contours of their bodies. Our culture would have our self-worth be defined by a severely narrow definition of an ideal body form. Just as the victims of any widespread societal prejudice often come to believe their oppressors' distorted reality, women for too long have accepted the view that the shape of their bodies is the hallmark of their life's achievement or failure. As we understand how imposing this arbitrary and unrealistic ideal on women perpetuates drastic consequences, we must persist in fighting for a different female aesthetic. It costs girls and women their self-esteem, leaves them without energy, creativity and a belief in their own self-determination. Instead of defining ourselves by numbers on a scale, how much food has been denied, or the size of our clothing, we must choose to pursue goals that strengthen the quality of our connections and relationships, satisfaction in our daily work and our physical well being. Has anything changed since I began my work at Feeding Ourselves? Is there any reason to be hopeful? Above all, we're still here positively changing the lives of women. What we knew instinctively 20 years ago has been confirmed by empirical scientific research. There has been a recognition in the popular diet industry as well as in the medical community that severe calorie-restricted diets are counter=productive. Feeding Ourselves has been joined by organizations such as Overcoming Overeating, the Women's Therapy Institute, BAM-(Ban Anorexic Marketing), and eating disorder programs at major teaching hospitals in spreading this message. Schools and universities recognize the enormous impact of eating disorders on the lives of their students. Food stores such as Bread and Circus and some fitness organizations are offering healthy choices to women that were not available to me in 1978. We know that self-loathing and denial do not lead to positive change paradoxically, self-acceptance does. It was unquestionably self acceptance that allowed me to change a recognition that all bodies, no matter their shape, can feel hunger, anger, love, energy, desire, frustration and joy and lo and behold, they deserve to feel. Still, I feel angry and frustrated when I consider how little has changed in the face of what we know. Why is our popular culture so deeply entrenched in its images and so resistant to altering its narrow female aesthetic? With very few exceptions, why does every female movie and television star have to be young, beautiful and very thin including those drawn by Disney animators? Why do models in the J. Crew catalogue have to be two dimensional, stick figure waifs when they rely on customers well past their teens to pay the steep prices. Why don't the majority of stores carry clothing to fit a full figure female of any age? Where are the images of larger women or older women looking attractive, happy, successful, sexy and full of life? We know we're here, so why can't we find our reflections? Why must girls grow up comparing themselves to these mass media "beauty heroines" against whom we rarely measure up? Instead of pursuing goals of love and work that will be truly and deeply satisfying, the primary pursuit becomes a thinner body and obsessional thoughts of hating the one we have. Even when we are intellectually enlightened and know what is good and valuable about ourselves, it is a profound challenge to hold on to our beliefs against an industry and a culture that refuses to budge. Whatever our individual paths, we must work to believe in our knowledge and the legitimacy of our bodies. We must continue to speak about what we know and let others know it. From the products and services we purchase, the comments we let others make without question, we must see our relationship to our bodies as central to our rights to live peacefully and fully, with passion, with zest and with an appreciation of our whole selves. I will conclude with a fantasy I often shared with clients. Imagine if our weight was like our height, genetically predetermined. We could wish we were shorter or taller, but knowing there is nothing we can do to change it, we wouldn't spend time trying to alter it - and most importantly, we wouldn't blame ourselves for being morally, physically or intellectually inferior if we didn't match up to this cultural ideal. We would simply accept our bodies and move on. Is my fantasy really so outrageous? If we connect with each other, share our struggle to grow and believe in our potential, more than a fantasy, change is possible. [Back to top]Conscious Café - Bringing Home Mindful
Eating In my years of running Feeding Ourselves groups, Phases I,II, and III, I've recognized a common thread for many participants. Although they have had experiences of having enough to eat and realizing a true hum (some quite dramatically, in fact), and although they find great relief and hope in the Feeding Ourselves philosophy, actually living the skills remains a challenge. It is not so easy to eat what is humming when hungry and stop when satisfied physiologically, when food still has a lot of power, when one is not satisfied in other ways, or when one is alone with her feelings. Many group members ask for reviews of the tools and are conflicted about this aspect of the work. Hence, the Conscious Café was conceived as a safe place to acknowledge hunger as a true, legitimate need, to consciously set aside time to eat, and to practice feeding oneself without external distraction and dictates. My hope was that in committing to this one time a week, there would be more reminders and carry-over during the rest of the week. I also recognized that this could be a place to experiment with difficult foods, with different levels of satiety, and to come face-to-face with the thoughts and feelings which underlie eating which are not connected to bodily hunger. This is a two-hour group. People come hungry and bring what is humming to the best of their ability. After a quiet moment to transition, to drop excess baggage at the door, and to personally check in with oneself, we have a quick sharing about our predominant states of feeling, hunger, hum, and what we brought to eat. After we take out our food, we have another moment of quiet to settle in and express gratitude and the intention of mindfulness. Then we just eat, silently, putting the utensil down between bites, chewing, tasting, swallowing…. From time to time we stop to take stock of hunger and satisfaction, and notice what we a thinking or feeling. Each person takes the responsibility to determine when to stop and separate from her food. She may get up at any time. I also encourage use of journals. We usually have time to hear what each person experienced, although this is not designed as a therapy group. I have been privileged to witness the varying outcomes of this experiment. Participants have noticed that they experience different parts of themselves from week to week…the peaceful, satisfied, anxious, distracted, tortured, discriminating, dissatisfied, angry, fearful, confident, supportive, self-critical parts, etc. Each person decides where to focus her attention, depending on her needs and tolerance. Some focus on the "small door" closing and others work to pull themselves back by paying attention to just taste or just swallow. For some, this is "hard work", which brings up some tough issues. In this case it is definitely recommended that they attend the Phase III group which is scheduled that same evening, or use individual therapy to process. For others, coming together to eat mindfully is a blessed breather from the hectic pace of their week. For all, however, it takes a strong commitment and a willingness to be present with food and feelings. [Back to top]The Importance of Movement "The fetus in the womb moves in response to sensation. Our cerebral cortex, the area that controls motor functioning, lies adjacent to the one where sensory impressions are received. Movement and touch are also deeply connected, metaphorically and linguistically. We call our feelings "emotions." If our emotions are aroused, we are "moved" or "touched." (Gordon, 1969) Where do we go with this? As children, our movements were fluid, often in response to what we were feeling. By adolescence we often spent many hours at a desk, only to be relieved of that inactivity by sports, where the body movements were controlled by the rules of the game. As adults, our movement continues to be greatly controlled by the "rules of the game," albeit new rules. In thinking about a particularly stressful day recently, I looked at the movement associated with it. It consisted of many mindless repetitive motions not related to sensation, in particular, pleasant sensation. The day continued with a long planning meeting for an upcoming event. At the end of the day, one of the older members of us told me to go for a walk. I must have looked very stressed. As I walked down the road near my house, the sun was low in the sky, and was about to leave that day forever. Its final rays warmed me and "told" me that it had been just outside my door all day, waiting. As I walked, my anxiety dissipated, and I felt more connected to myself. We need to remind ourselves that movement is a legitimate response to sensation and stimulation whether stressful or pleasurable; and that we have control over how we move. We also need to remember to give ourselves permission to move in ways that please us, and not just in ways which get things done. "Human beings are meant to walk. We are bipedal, upright organisms with bodies designed for locomotion. Walking is a complex behavior that requires functional integration of a great deal of sensory and motor experience; it exercises our brains as well as our musculoskeletal systems." (Weil, 1995) I would add that movement also empowers us. Metaphorically and literally, we can "walk" away from destructive behavior. And when we return, we may find that we are satisfied. James S. Gordon, M.D., Manifesto for a New Medicine (New York: Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.,Inc.,1996), p.139. Andrew Weil, M.D., Spontaneous Healing (New York: Fawcett, Columbine,1995), p.188. [Back to top]Short Comments Feeding Ourselves works with both mind and body to bring about a peaceful relationship with food and, ultimately, with one's self. "The group was a challenging experience for me. Slowly the pieces are forming together and my obsession with food and weight is less important. Feeding Ourselves opened some doors to my relationships with food.." "..I've grown and gotten more in touch with with my body and my feelings, and why I do some of the things I do. I think I am more in touch with my needs and desires, and I plan to stay in touch. I've just re-learned that I am worth taking care of and watching out for and being good to." "about midway I felt that my "obsession" would not disappear by the end of the ten week session. Instead I realized that what we learned in the course were ... tools to ... self-realization, which although sometimes painful, should take us further in this healing process.." The workshops bring about a new understanding of hunger. Participants learn to distinguish physical hunger from emotional hunger. "I never knew when I was hungry, now I am starting to; now I appreciate the small victories." When I began I couldn't bear to be hungry. Now I can actually wait and feel the hunger and realize that I am not going to die." "When the group began , I discovered a lot of resistance that I didn't know I had. This work has brought to the surface many, many issues that I am now working on ... But for the first time on an extended basis, when the urge to binge strikes, I can sit with it and look beyond it ..... After years of deprivation and restraint, people re-discover the pleasure food can offer, as well as the satisfaction from the recognition of satiety. "Before [I would lose control with] any and all foods; now I seem more focused on the texture and therefore I seem to be satisfied quicker and with less." "A real key and very exciting moment for me was identifying fullness. I think that that, more than anything, showed me the possibilities (and probabilities) for change. It was a powerful, and empowering experience" Work is accomplished through the setting of small, achievable goals. "When I first came to the group I was afraid that the process would be mystical and available only to the previously enlightened and I wouldn't be able to get it. Having success with the small goals we set really worked to build my self confidence. I can look back on the small things I managed to do and see some big accomplishments. I am also learning (not always easily) that losing weight won't solve other problems and/or make my life perfect. This realization is very new for me." Movement Therapy challenges self limiting beliefs about our size and shape. "The movement therapy was a wonderful experience and added a dimension that my mind was not able to create on its own." "Feeding Ourselves helped me begin to do athletic activities I'd always wanted to do but felt not thin enough for." A Feeding Ourselves Basic Workshop is the first step in an ongoing process. “…and a million other things I have gotten out of Feeding Ourselves. I wish I could write them all down and remember them all, all the time. I can't but they flash through me all the time, more and more often. I also know that I am becoming more assertive and I hope that I continue to become stronger and stronger." [Back to top] |
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